Everything and Everyone Changes
by Astarpen
Summary: Endure, that's what she excelled at. That's what was expected of her, that was demanded of her. Even at the cost of her own sanity. Femshep/Miranda
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my first story for Mass effect and my first story all around, so please be kind. There are parts directly taken from the game, character interactions mostly the romance options were taken and put in but once that is done it'll be completely original dialogue. **

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* * *

All changes, even the most longed for, have _their_ melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another._

-Anatole France

* * *

She wasn't what Miranda Lawson had been expecting even after the two years she had spent putting her back together. She had made sure to go over every file, interview many of her old colleagues, her friends, her mother and even her old lover. Even with all the firsthand accounts, even seeing the results of her actions first hand, nothing had prepared her for this. She thought she knew who Shepard was, but she hadn't, not really. She had doubted her, angry that the Illusive Man had poured 4 billion credits into resurrecting a dead spectre. She had been jealous; even without genetic tailoring Jade Shepard was the closest thing to perfect the human race could aspire to. And Miranda Lawson feared that she might be falling in love with her.

Out of all the possible scenarios that could have happened, falling in love with Shepard wasn't one of them. Yet here she was, fantasizing about her like a love struck teenager. And that's what it would ever be; a fantasy. The Commander had her Asari. Even without the Asari, they were going on a suicide mission, starting a relationship was simply a foolish idea.

* * *

Everything and everyone had changed, in the two years she had been dead. And it hadn't bothered her, newer technology, a new Normady, Joker hadn't changed a bit and Dr. Chakwas was still the same person. The changes in both Garrus and Tali didn't make them different people if anything they had just matured, something she had already begun to see after Saren. She had even predicted that Ashley's reception to her being alive and working for Cerberus would have been bad. She had never expected Ashley to join with her, but she had expected her to at least understand and not call her a traitor. But she understood the why, she understood Ashley's feelings. If the situation was reversed she probably would have shot Ashley in the foot, called her a traitor and then of course joined up with her.

She had understood Ashley's reasons and her hatred of Cerberus, but she needed to save the colonists. It wasn't even Ashley that had cut her deep; her feelings of betrayal were expected. Liara's wasn't. She did want Liara by her side rushing off to get killed in some Collector base, even if Liara had wanted to follow her she wouldn't have allowed it. She would have been fine if Liara had moved on found someone else; at least she figured she'd be fine. She would at the very least have had the chance to win her back after this Collector business was finished. But Liara had moved on even if she herself hadn't realized it. Her obsession with vengeance had changed her, no longer was she the Asari she had fallen in love with. And it had been her fault she could have prevented everything had she managed to survive. Liara would still have her soul. All she could do was warn her of the personal consequences of her actions. She knew them better than anyone after all she was the Butcher of Torfan.

Jade ran her fingers across the scars on her face, they hurt of course, but it was a dull ache. The microsurgery hadn't completely taken and she could feel the scars opening up again. The stress was getting to her and she had noticed that her eyes had begun to degenerate showing the cybernetics underneath. Chakwas said she needed to remain calm and have positive thoughts, so she kept herself busy helping upgrade the ship, learning alien languages from Kelly, having lengthy discussions with members of crew. And it worked for a little while, it kept her mind of her own problems as she worked hard to solve everyone else's but in those quiet moments, when there was no one around to talk to.

Jade was jolted out of her thoughts at the sound of her door hissing open and she sat up on her bed, her eyes focusing on Miranda and she rubbed the back of her neck. "Lawson," she greeted sliding off her bed. "What brings you here to the Captains Cabin," a smirk playing on her lips.

Miranda sighed and began, "I wanted to apologize, I didn't fully believe that you'd be up to the task and it seems I was wrong. Frankly based on what I've seen I wished Cerberus had recruited sooner. I've seen the decisions you made when you were after Saren. The decisions you made on Torfan, you'd fit in fine here and we'd be lucky to have you. Too many join us out of simple xenophobia we need more people here for the right reasons," Miranda said looking at her.

Jade's eyes glowed for a second, "With your intelligence you could have landed any job you wanted. Why choose this?"

"Cause I still envy the time Mordin spent with the Special tasks group working with people as smart as he was. Cerberus never tells me that something is impossible, they give me my resources and say do it. And they've given you even more; a new life, a new ship, the illusive man's personal attention."

"And you," Jade said. "The best thing he did was to put you on my squad."

Miranda scoffed. "You'd have fine without me. I may not have believed it before but I don't have what you do; that fire that makes someone willing to follow you into hell itself."

Jade looked away, her eyes once again glowing, it was a burden all the pressure all the expectations and it was worse now, she knew everyone on her squad personally and they had become her friends, her family. She was putting them all in harm's way and it bothered her more than anything.

"My father got me the best genes could buy, I guess that wasn't enough. You are the best humanity has to offer Shepard." Miranda said getting up and walking towards her fish tank watching the fish.

Jade watched her for a second; she had sensed her jealousy and she had seen how much it bothered her but she was getting tired of seeing her get depressed about it. She had always regarded Miranda as her equal, but her fixture on her genetic tailoring had to stop, it was her experiences that made her who she was not her genes. "Does it always have to come back to your father's genetic tailoring? All that did was give you the potential to be great, all your accomplishments have been your own."

"This is what I am Shepard. I can't hide it, the intelligence, the looks hell even the biotics, he paid for all of that. Everyone of your accomplishments has been due to your skill. The only thing I can take credit for is my mistakes."

Jade glanced at the ceiling before getting up and standing behind her, her usual challenging grin on her face as her eyes glowed softly. "Wait a minute are you jealous?"

Miranda wheeled around glaring at her, disliking the fact that she was so transparent. "Don't be absurd," she scoffed.

Jade smirked, "The genetic mutt the that the illusive man put in charge," she snorted. "That must sting," she added.

Miranda took a step back, "First it's not a competition. Second based on your combat records you're practically a perfect human specimen."

Jade smiled this was the Miranda that she missed the one who was constantly challenging her pushing her to be better and she took a step forward entering her personal space. "Perfect human specimen huh?"

Miranda blinked and tried to take a step back only to be blocked by the wall. She felt her irritation rising at the sight of Jade's patented arrogant smirk. "Don't get cocky Shepard, I'm the one who put you back together remember?" She took a step forward giving Jade a once over her eyes lingering on her more...female attributes for a split second. "And I do damned good work," she added.

Jade nodded her body acting on her own accord as she took a step forward her eyes still glowing softly, "You certainly do," she breathed as she took a step closer to her.

Their bodies acting on their own accord as the sexual tension finally took over Jade's arm wrapping around Miranda's waist pulling her closer as they kissed. Both were caught off guard and it was finally Miranda who managed to break the kiss pushing Jade away as she took a step back.

"What the hell was that," she said looking at Shepard, the smirk was still plastered on her features but her cybernetics were no longer glowing and Miranda couldn't help but admire her namesake coloured eyes. Her mind struggled to find the words she was looking for, she was looking for. "Okay this doesn't mean anything...we're just god...I need to think...I need to...I'll talk to you later." With that Miranda escaped walking backwards as she tripped a bit on the stairs in Shepard's cabin. That infuriating smirk was still etched on Jade's features. "And stop smiling damn it," with that she turned and hurried out of Jade's cabin.

Jade turned to the picture of Liara she had on her desk and placed it face down before taking a seat in her chair as she began to play with her space hamster. The smile was gone and her cybernetics were glowing again, what had she done? She didn't have feelings for Miranda; at least she was positive that she didn't. Well apart from a healthy dose of lust, she wasn't blind but she had always managed to tightly reign in her hormones. What confused her that for those seconds she had felt at ease. Even when she had kissed Liara on Illium it had been nothing like this. It hadn't set her on fire like kissing Miranda had.

"Maybe Samara can help," she muttered to herself as she got up placing her pet back in his glass cage.


	2. Chapter 2

_I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, for vengeance, for desolation. War is hell._

-William Tecumseh Sherman

* * *

The stench of death filled the air as pools of blood were soaked up by the ground. Bodies were being lined up against the walls; human bodies captured slaves, mostly children. She picked up a small blood soaked doll which had clearly been made with scraps of fabric from where it had fallen from a hand of the dead. Without a word she placed it on the child's heart. Another child was placed in front of her, his skin burned and melted to his neck, his eyes still open, his face frozen in pain and horror. He had been tortured the broken fingers and the faded burns on his body indicated as such. He had probably tried to fight back. Maybe he had tried to run away.

So many bodies, so many of them had been children. She had vomited once she saw the sight; some of them had been experimented on, some of them used for whatever perverse games the Batarians had in mind. Those bodies they screamed now, some of them begging her for vengeance, others screaming at her for not saving them sooner. The noise continued screaming and hollering at her to do something. It was deafening.

Jade's eyes snapped open, her body drenched in sweat and the echoes of the past still freshly engraved in her mind. She gripped onto the sides of her bed to stop her hands from shaking and stared into the darkness of her room. The nightmares were getting worse and it was getting more difficult to compartmentalize. She slid out of bed and headed to her desk and took a sip of coffee spiked with a shot of krogan liquor.

She took a seat at her computer and flipped through her messages a ghost of a smile tugged at her lips, most of them were from Miranda. Of course she was probably reminding her to actually begin her reports which had begun to pile up. They had avoided each other since the kiss; if they did talk it was strictly about business. Currently they were headed to Zorya to complete Zaeed's active contract, after which she was going to swing by the Citadel to pick up Kasumi Goto, an infiltrator would be excellent addition to her squad.

She looked at the operation reports that needed to be filled out on her personal terminal and shook her head, she would write them when Miranda personally came to her cabin and forced her to do it. She picked up Zaeed's dossier and studied it reading the mission parameters. It seemed easy enough, a three man team would probably be able to get the job done and it would be a good time to test Zaeed. The old man talked too much for her tastes and she wasn't too fond of mercenaries but Miranda had assured her he was good.

Captain Shepard, you asked me to inform you when were close to Zorya. ETA is 30 minutes. EDIs voice came from the intercom and she turned to face the AI.

"Inform Zaeed and Jacob to meet me on the UT-47 Kodiak drop shuttle in twenty minutes," Jade replied and preceded to get ready.

* * *

"Was it really that bad Jacob? The entire crew is talking about it." Miranda asked him, a small frown on her features.

"He pointed his gun at her, ranting about how he had lost twenty years of his life. The next thing I know there was an explosion and Zaeed's been pinned down by a metal beam surrounded by a fire he caused. One of the ejected overheated thermal clips must have hit something and caused the explosion. The Commander walked up to him, her gun still trained on him. though he was clearly unarmed and well she pistol whipped him."

"She hit him?"

"Yeah three times, each time cursing him out for endangering our lives. I don't think I've seen the commander so angry. She reminded him that the mission not personal vengeance comes first and then threatened to leave his corpse to rot there if he could not follow orders. He informed her that he could put his past behind him until after the mission and she finally helped him up. I think she earned his respect, but I could see she wanted to leave him."

Miranda nodded, "Your opinion on the events?"

"Shepard was right, he did endanger our lives, and it made the mission much more difficult than it could have been. If he hadn't set the refinery on fire we would have been able to kill two birds with one stone. The Commander does not want Massani on our squad and I don't think she's going to use Zaeed in any missions until we get to the collector base."

Miranda nodded typing everything he said into her mission summary to send to the Illusive Man, "Is Shepard in her cabin again?" She questioned.

"Yeah she said that she needed a shower, and then I think she mentioned going to see Jack to get her to help her with her shockwave. Her biotics training is going rather well, it is still of course mostly raw but she is learning at a rather quick pace."

* * *

"So I hear that you and the Cheerleader are fucking," Jack circled Jade who was currently lying flat on her back in the center of the cargo hold, the results of another failed shockwave. The feedback had sent her flying.

Jade smirked, "Never thought you would be the one for gossip Jack," she stated as she pushed herself up and got ready to try again.

Jack scoffed, "Everyone has been talking about it, ever since she went to your cabin and came back her face red and incredibly flustered."

Jade snorted, "Flustered really? Miranda was only in my cabin for five minutes, I assure you my skills in bed and my prowess in bed are nothing short of amazing."

Jack was quiet for a moment, "Try again." So she did and again the result was the same and she was sent flying backwards crashing into the cargo. "You're letting it go to soon," she pointed out as she stood over Jade. "Shepard are you sure about this? I'm not a fucking teacher and you're terrible at this."

"Fuck you Jack," Jade replied rubbing her head and looked at her, "What's with the tattoos?" she asked as she sat up.

"Some are for prisons I've been in, some are for kills...you know good ones. Some are for things I've lost, those aren't your business they are nobody's business. And some are because, hey why the fuck not?"

Jade looked at her, "You work pretty hard at not letting people get close."

"I've been with lots of people, if you're asking about a boyfriend and a girlfriend, then no it's a waste of time and it doesn't work. You let someone get that close it just means they need a shorter knife. Lonely and alive works just fine thanks."

Jade cocked her head raising an eyebrow, she had already resigned herself to the fact that Jack was extremely difficult to control. Kelly had warned her about her temper, and she still had no idea what could set it off. "Seems like you miss it more than you care to admit."

"Go ahead and pick every little word apart that you want but it doesn't change how the galaxy works. I mean you've been around, a lot from what Joker has mentioned."

"You're tough, I'll give you that. But no one can survive in this galaxy alone."

"When I was starting out I ran with this girl Manara and her boyfriend. They knew their way around and I thought they would help me. They did, right into their bed. And when we finally did take down something big, they helped themselves to my share of the take. I knew where it was heading and I got them first. Never bothered with friend after that."

"They sound like selfish pricks that doesn't mean they were going to kill you."

"I get feelings I don't need proof. I did the smart thing. I always do the smart thing when people fuck with me. That's probably something you should remember."

Jade nodded and got up, "I'm going to go see Chakwas get something for this fucking headache. I'll talk to you later and try again much later."

Jack grabbed her arm, "Wait, my turn with the questions. People usually walk by now, why are you really asking me all these things. Are you eyeing me up? Because if this just about sex then you maybe you should just fucking say so."

Jade pinched the bridge of her nose and turned to her, "I'd be lying if I told you I didn't find you attractive, the whole running around practically half naked thing. I find your personality to be oddly refreshing and endearing in the whole I am the ultimate bad ass kind of way."

"Figured. People always want something, well what right now then?" Jack said entering her space her faces inches away from Jade's.

Jade blinked wondering how she had gotten herself into this situation, she swore inwardly. Kelly had warned her about this when she had sent her the psych profiles of each member of her crew. "I just want to get to know you Jack; I—" Jade was pushed up against the wall, Jack once again in her personal space. Jade was to currently engrossed in her current predicament to hear the hiss of the of the elevator door opening, her cybernetics were glowing brightly.

"I bet you do,"

Jade's eyes flashed, she hated being hunted she hated being pinned down, "Jack I'm dead serious here, I just want to know you. I need to make sure everybody on my team is working at optimal capacity, I'm not here to fuck you," Jade said pushing her away, and turned to see Miranda standing there an unreadable expression on her face. Jade immediately slipped towards the elevator. "Lawson," she said curtly motioning for her to join her in the elevator.

Miranda waited until the doors had closed, "Flirt with all women do you?"

Jade shot her that infuriating smile, "Jealous?"

"I thought we wen't over this, I'm not jealous of you Shepard. I just don't like being jerked around."

"There is nothing between us Miranda we kissed, you need time to think we aren't in a relationship. You don't own me; I can fuck who I want when I want."

"Do what you want Shepard, as long as you don't fuck with me. This isn't the time for love we could all die."

"Love? Who said anything about love I just want to fuck you," Jade replied that infuriating smile on her face. "Make the ice queen—"

"Finish that sentence and I will space you, and I won't put you back together this time." Miranda inhaled deeply before changing the subject. "You're behind on your reports, several weeks behind. I need those reports especially what happened with Zaeed earlier. I hear that mission went south pretty quickly. Was it truly necessary to hit him several times?"

"You weren't there, he deserved it. I don't want him on the squad period. I personally suggest space him. Galaxy would be better off without that little bastard running around."

"Why didn't you kill him? I've seen you kill people for less. On Illium when we were recruiting Samara, that eclipse mercenary Elnora you didn't even hesitate to execute her. The other Eclipse mercenary when you pushed him to his death. You killed the batarians on Omega even after you promised to let them go. Why keep Zaeed, you clearly dislike him and don't want him on your team."

"I hate Batarians, Elnora pulled a gun out on us, and the other eclipse merc was simply pissing me off. I know what it's like to seek vengeance let it consume you, which is why Zaeed is still breathing today. That and you would probably be on me to fill out more paper work plus the inevitable chew out for letting a member of the squad die was not really high on my priority list. Besides if Zaeed pulls another stunt like this again and someone gets hurt or killed I will kill him myself."


	3. Chapter 3

**An: Cause I forgot Bioware owns everything**

* * *

The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.

-Pearl S. Buck

* * *

Both of her parents had served in the Alliance military, she had spent most of her youth on ships and stations, as they were transferred from posting to posting. She had never stayed for long in same place for long periods of time and had thus never bothered cultivating any friendships. It had been pointless people move on and chances were she was never going to see them again. She could get along fine with most people, and had shown leadership skills even as a child. Her parents had made sure she was proficient in a manner of weapons and tutored on tactics since she could remember. It's not that they forced it down her throat; it had been apparently all she would listen to as a child. She had wanted this, maybe because she thought that war was glorious. It wasn't. But it hadn't mattered, getting the job done mattered. It had been that way on Elysium and it had been that way on Torfan, the mission comes first.

* * *

Jade swore loudly, they were pinned down on the roof of Hock's mansion, the gunship and the flanking Eclipse Mercenaries were making it difficult for her to better her position. To make matters worse she was running out of thermal clips. Her shield had been battered into submission in her attempt to switch positions and she had been hit several times forcing her to take cover. She scanned her battlefield quickly noting the littering of thermal clips on the ground, "Kasumi we need to finish this now," she barely had time to duck the missile that exploded behind her, leaving a ringing in her ears.

"Clear the mercenaries on the left, I can take out Hock's shields permanently and you can get a clear shot at him with your heavy," Kasumi replied.

Jade moved her head in affirmation and quickly scanned the battlefield and focused on the group of mercenaries and felt the familiar rush of adrenaline coursing through her body as she dodged another missile from Hock as she left her cover sprinting to the better position picking up thermal clips and reloading as she killed all the mercenaries. She pulled out her pistol and fired at the container filled with something explosive before ducking for cover, as the explosion hit and she heard the sound of dying mercenaries. She quickly scanned the area and switched to her sniper rifle taking out the last mercenary with deadly accuracy. "Take out his shields I'll cover you," Jade ordered Kasumi once again switching weapons and taking out more mercenaries who had appeared. Kasumi did just that, causing Jade to stop what she was doing and simply stare at Kasumi's acrobatic display. Her distraction was merely for a second as she waited for Kasumi to land again before pulling out her heavy. "Cover me." In rapid succession Jade fired off 10 missiles from her missile launcher watching as they ripped Hock's gunship.

Jade watched the debris rain to the ground, the ashes coating her and her armour and the memories of Elysium floated into her head. She could hear the gunfire in her mind's eye and smell the dead bodies. Her face began to ache as her cybernetics to glow again. All she could hear was the gunfire and the...

"Hey Shep the Kodiak just arrived," Kasumi's voice said snapping her back into the real world. "You okay Shep? You seem distracted."

Jade smiled at her, "I got hit several times and the medi-gel can only do so much," she lied, she could see the slight look of disbelief on Kasumi's face but she didn't pressure her and she didn't feel the urge to elaborate.

Jade entered the starboard observation deck, "Samara," she greeted as she gingerly sat down beside her.

* * *

"Shepard, have you come for another lesson in meditation?" Samara asked not looking at her, as the biotic field around her died down. "Or perhaps you are seeking another lesson in your biotics?"

Jade shook her head, "No, the last time we spoke you mentioned that you remembered every person you killed and yet you did not lose sleep over it. I need to learn that, I have killed many, and I too have never lost sleep over it. No it is the people who have had their life stolen from them, their paths radically altered, their innocence stolen because of the actions that I have chosen. Whether I was too late or too slow, I couldn't save them all. In my quest for justice, to get the job done I have had to choose between the lives of a few innocents or the whole galaxy. It is those faces that haunt me."

"You have killed unarmed civilians?"

"Apart from Conrad and idiots who try to take my gun away, I don't pull my gun on civilians," Jade replied truthfully, unless of course they were Batarians, she had no problem shooting them whether they were armed or not. "I need to know how you do it, I read your dossier you have killed whole villages before, and those villagers had been indoctrinated. Do those faces not haunt you."

"They attacked me the code allows me defend myself Shepard. It sounds as if you are seeking atonement, and if that is the case you must seek your own penance. My code does not exist to bring about spiritual enlightenment. Its purpose is to punish the wicked and protect the innocent. What you seek is not something in my power to give, nor to fix. You must find your penance elsewhere."

Jade sat quietly thinking, "Thank you," with that said she got up to leave the room.

* * *

"Shepard, you are still quite young and I must admit I admire your control. I have lived nearly a millennia, the burden that you carry will get easier with time. The invisible wounds that you carry and hide will either fester and rot, leaving you nothing more than a empty vessel. Or they will heal with the proper treatment and time. Do not let it be the former."

Jade looked at her over her shoulder at Samara, "I'm trying," she replied after a moment of thought, leaving the room.

"Just like old times," Jade said a smile on her face as she looked at Tali and Garrus. "Remember all the fun we had?"

"If by fun you mean how all our games of skyllian five ended up in anarchy then yes, we had oodles of fun," Garrus commented dryly, though his voice was filled with amusement. "It is good to have you back Shepard, even if we are working for Cerberus."

Jade shrugged, "Cerberus is still dangerous let's not fool ourselves. You saw what happened on Aite. They are still up to their same bullshit, I don't trust the Illusive Man, I don't agree with his methods nor his xenophobia. He's smart enough to realize that I don't work for Cerberus and quite frankly I'd prefer it if he didn't place the Cerberus logo on the Normady like some fucking sponsor."

They played quietly for a few minutes before Tali interceded. "And Miranda? Jacob is alright, a bit clueless but he doesn't trust the Illusive Man either. Miranda will always be loyal to Cerberus. Can you not sense the jealousy, that you got the Illusive Man's personal attention?"

"Miranda is intelligent; she'll soon realize that she's not that big of an asset to the Illusive Man, he wouldn't send her on a suicide mission if she was that important."

"And you? He put you on this suicide mission as well if you recall," Garrus pointed out.

"I think I volunteered, it's not like I really had a choice though. He probably thinks I'll survive though cause quite frankly with 4 billion credits, he could have probably sent a whole army into the relay and they would have managed it. I'm not the only person in the galaxy who could probably pull this off; Miranda could if she was given the resources. Hell if the Council believed that the "Reapers" were a real threat then they would have managed to pull this off. I'm nothing special I was simply the unlucky bastard who ended up discovering the truth and since I'm one of the few people who know the truth I suppose it's my duty to save the galaxy."

"Our duty to save the galaxy, you're not doing this alone, don't forget that."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Please review**

* * *

"You'll never understand the reason, until you look deep enough into the cut to see the emotional pain that put it there."

- CLBartholdi

* * *

It had been a slow week; they had travelled back to Illium and were simply upgrading the ship. From kinetic barriers to new main guns, everything was being upgraded. Even with all the work to be done, Jade had given everyone permission to blow of a bit of steam at nights allowing them a bit of shore leave. Miranda personally believed this was so Jade could sneak off and be with Liara, as she generally reappeared the next morning looking rather dishevelled with that damn smirk of hers on her face.

It was only her pride that stopped her from simply pulling Jade aside and demanding to know the truth from her. And she already knew the truth; everybody on the ship was discussing it, even though they were careful not to mention it within earshot of either Jade or Miranda. That and Jacob had reported it to her when she had asked only further infuriated her. She had planned on simply following the rest of the crew to Eternity to at least see what Jade was up to when her door hissed open and Jade strolled in with several files in her arms.

Jade stacked the files onto Miranda's desk and took a seat across from her, "Most of the upgrades are online and functional and the Normandy is stronger than ever, we've got two more full days of upgrades though." Her tone was brisk and business like. "Jack wants to blow up an old Cerberus facility, I'm going to allow it. It will be a cathartic experience for her, and quite frankly I need her loyalty for this mission. I can't have her thinking I'm with Cerberus."

"And you think that blowing up a Cerberus facility is wise considering who is funding this mission," Miranda replied making no attempt to hide the irritation in her voice.

Jade looked up at her and studied her for a split second, "It's been abandoned and even if it wasn't, I glanced over the files you gave Jack. It's some pretty messed up shit that they were up to, I'd go in and blow the place up after rescuing the children on principle."

"That facility probably went rogue and..."

Jade held up her hand, "I don't really care Jack and me and you are going to help her. You need to earn her trust as much as I do," Jade picked up another file, "You know if you have an issue with me you should probably tell me about it," Jade commented offhandedly as she picked up another file and handed it to Miranda, "I've got some information on the Shadow Broker, it makes for some interesting reading. This is what I've been every night, helping Liara with her shadow broker crap. And before you give me some snide comment, I didn't sleep with Liara, the Shadow Broker is simply on my list of people who must learn that it is a very bad idea to piss me off. I couldn't exactly risk making it a huge mission so I took Kasumi and we did some information gathering."

"You're going after the Shadow Broker? Have you forgotten about the Collectors? There are colonies disappearing, even though we've managed to stop them on Horizons colonies are still disappearing and you want to go after someone who is not a threat?"

Jade rolled her eyes, "You do realize that all I did was gather some information, good information by the way if you would just read it. If we all manage to survive the Omega-4 Relay we're going after the Shadow Broker, for numerous reasons. Especially since he was in league with the Collectors chances are he has some information on the Reapers. I want that information, and we need it. . If you give this to the Illusive Man, which I know you will, he has enough information to go after the Shadow Broker and he has the opportunity to get that information."

"So you haven't made plans in the foreseeable future to go after the Shadow Broker?"

"Not unless he comes after us, if he does then the gloves come off," Jade replied, pulling out another file. "We are going to the migrant fleet, Tali has been accused of treason, which is bullshit. But she needs to face the charges, the whole she might be exiled has made her worry. I need her focused on the mission. I need you and Cerberus to lay off, the whole issue with you trying to blow up one of their ships is not going to bode well for her chances, when she arrives on a Cerberus ship."

Miranda nodded and eyed the pile, "You got caught up on all your reports haven't you?"

Jade nodded, "I noticed that you were covering my slack, and thus haven't been able to enjoy yourself as of late so I spent most of today just finishing the reports."

"I...thank you."

Jade merely nodded and motioned at the other files, "I'm sure you can read the rest," she said standing up and looking at Miranda. She rubbed the back for her neck, and looked at Miranda. "I'm sorry about the whole LIara thing, I should have informed you. I mean I understand how you feel about me."

Miranda nodded, "I understand that adjusting has been difficult for you, everything you know has basically changed. I do realize that you know how I feel about you but I can't say the same. You talk to me as much as you talk to everyone else; you playfully tease and prod the crew, you get to know each member of the crew and you help them in any way that you can. I have never heard you say no to anyone and the fact of the matter is they all love you, whether it's platonic or something more they all love you. You insist that you simply want to be friends with every one of them except for me. You have been clear about simply wanting a physical relationship except I don't play that game. If sex is simply all you want go down to Jack, she's been willing for awhile. If you are actually interested in me then I suggest you tell me now before I move on. I don't enjoy being toyed with Shepard."

Jade scratched at her scars and shrugged, "I understand who you are Miranda, I don't know you and even though you studied me for two years, doesn't mean that you know me either. This isn't love Miranda, not on your part. You are simply drawn to me because I helped you. We both know you liked NIket for the same reason. I've made no claims to love you, I might never say it. However I will say that I am drawn to you, I don't know why I am but I am."

"Are you suggesting that we get to know each other better?" Miranda asked.

Jade nodded once, "Relationships are bad for unit cohesion especially when the relationship dissolves. If you can handle me being your commander and pulling rank on you then yes we can start a relationship. But we must agree now that no matter what the mission comes first. If this relationship of sorts breaks up then we put aside all personal differences until after the mission."

"Of course Commander," Miranda replied her lips twitching slightly the only indication that she felt like smiling

Jade glanced at her and shook her head as she walked out, she was definitely going crazy, "Dinner tonight Lawson, my treat," she called over her shoulder as she left the room, the metal doors hissing behind her.

* * *

The last time Jade had been on a date, they had spent hour talking the Protheans drawing parallels to the current world. They had talked late into the night. It had been a good night. The same couldn't be said about this date, for the vast majority of the dinner they had engaged in small talk, what Miranda liked, what Jade enjoyed. There was little substance.

"I never did thank you for helping me with my sister," Miranda began causing Jade to look up at her. "I still can't believe that Niket sold me out. After all we've been through he was the last person I'd expect to sell me out. But thank you Shepard my sister is safe again thanks in large part to you."

Jade studied her and nodded, "You couldn't have known about Niket, you trusted him and he betrayed you. Still you have to trust somebody, no one can survive in this galaxy alone."

"My father didn't break me Shepard no matter how hard he tried."

Jade smiled, "Are you going to keep in touch with her? You know assuming we survive the Omega 4 relay."

"I don't know yet, this is probably the first time I haven't planned that far ahead."

Jade played with her drink and smiled, "With a bit of luck you'll get to talk to Orianna again," she said taking a sip.

Miranda watched her, "We talk an awfully lot about me, we never talk about you. You do that a lot don't you."

Jade paused, "There isn't really much to talk about, you read my file. Parents were in the Alliance, joined them when I was 18 haven't looked back since. I mean you know my life story, which puts me at the disadvantage."

"I've watched you Shepard, Niket Sidonus, you refused to let me and Garrus pull the trigger. Even Maelon, you didn't let us pull the trigger always stopping us."

"Let's be fair I let Garrus shoot Harkin," Jade said defensively. "I mean I did point out that it was a waste of a good bullet but I did let him shoot him."

"You know what I mean; I've seen you kill for much less. I read about Torfan. They had surrendered and you killed them anyway, I just don't understand why."

"Why what? I loathe Batarians they killed someone important to me on Elysium. I volunteered for Torfan. I wanted my revenge, it didn't bother me that they were picking off my team as we advanced. I just wanted them dead, all of them. My mission parameters were simple enough to bend to my will not to mention my commanding officer was a decent soldier but he was a terrible commander he basically gave me permission to do what I had to do. The reason why I've prevented you from taking the shot? Simple revenge does nothing to heal the wounds, it doesn't bring back the person you lost and it leaves you changed once you've achieved it. I lead my squad to their death, and barely got out of Torfan alive, I refuse to make the same decision twice. It still keeps me up most nights. You aren't a murderer Miranda if I can prevent you from taking that step then so be it. "

"Is that the reason for your drinking? Everyone has noticed it, Krogan beer leaves a distinct smell."

Jade looked up at her, "Not my fault you made my liver more efficient," she replied with a shrug. "Don't worry I promise it won't affect the mission," she said dismissively.

"If you need to talk then—"

"It won't affect the mission, and I can deal with my own personal demons Lawson," Jade interrupted. Her voice was cold and her eyes and the cybernetics flashed under her skin. It had been the first time all night.

Miranda studied the scars on Jade's face; she would have ask to Chakwas why the microsurgery didn't take and why they seemed to be getting worse. Without fully realizing what she was doing she placed a hand on her cheek, her thumb gently running over the scar on her cheek. She could feel initial tension at the surprise contact ebbing away as Jade relaxed under her touch her eyes closing. "When you're ready to talk," she whispered before getting up and leaving Jade sitting there.

Jade eyes snapped open and looked at Miranda, the orange dots in her eyes gone; even her scars seemed to be less severe for a flash of a second before she took a sip of her brandy. "We should do this again Lawson."


	5. Chapter 5

"The slaves of power mind the cause they have to serve, because their own interest is concerned; but the friends of liberty always **sacrifice** their cause, which is only the cause of humanity, to their own spleen, vanity, and self-opinion."

- William Hazlitt

* * *

"Keep on piling on the food Rupert," she was in a good mood, it had been a good night, a rare occasion indeed, and one that wasn't induced by alcohol. She scanned the dining area it was still divided between aliens and humans, it did slightly irritate her that there was this division, nor did it make sense to her. The only way for there to be truly be peace in the galaxy was for everyone to unite, it was the only way they were going to defeat the Reapers. Well everyone but the Batarians. She slid in between Garrus and Tali and placed her tray down.

"Commander," Garrus greeted her. Jade waved him off more focused on her food.

She was about to take a bite when Joker's voice came over the intercom. "Commander Jack and Miranda are in the middle of a...disagreement, can you head it off before they tear out a bulk head."

She sighed and pushed her tray towards Grunt, knowing as soon as she left the table he was going to eat it anyway. "I'll deal with it."

"Take pictures." Jade rolled her eyes at Joker's usual antics and got up walking towards Miranda's office.

"Touch me and I will smear the walls with you, bitch."

Jade groaned inwardly already feeling a headache coming on as Jack used her biotics to throw a chair at Miranda who deflected it with ease. "Enough. Stand down, both of you."

"The cheerleader won't admit that what Cerberus did to me was wrong," Jack said walking to Miranda before shifting her attention to Jade.

Jade looked at Miranda expecting an explanation, she had seen the base first hand.

"It wasn't Cerberus. Not really. But clearly you were a mistake," Miranda replied ignoring Jade as she stared down Jack.

"Screw you. You've got no idea what they put me through. Maybe it's time I showed you," Jack said the anger in her voice rising and the usual glow of her biotics reappeared around her body.

Jade immediately stepped in between the two forcing them to take a step back from each other. "My opinion is the one that matters. You two keep a deck apart at all times. "

Miranda looked up at Jade in surprise, "She can't be trusted Shepard. She'll jeopardize the whole mission."

"If we survive this, then you can tear each other apart, until then save your hate for the Collectors."

Jack smirked, "Oh don't worry she'll survive this. I'll make sure of it. Then I'll tear you apart myself," with that being said Jack turned to exit the room only to be stopped by Jade.

"You two going to be alright?" Jack pushed past her and exited the room, leaving the two of them alone.

"It's a good thing you came by when you did. As long as she does her job, we'll be fine. Thanks Shepard."

Jade turned on Miranda her eyes flashing, "Don't thank me, you were there with me. You saw what Cerberus did, and they bought children from Batarian pirates to experiment on them. And don't give me the facility had gone rogue bullshit, the Illusive man knew who Jack was, he knew that they were experimenting on her. If he paid any attention to what was going on, he would have known that they were buying other children. You're not a stupid person Lawson, Cerberus hasn't changed, they performed illegal experiments on Jack and killed and butchered god knows how many children."

"We do what we have to do for the good of humanity—" Miranda began.

"Cerberus is the very worst of humanity. They are xenophobic extremists and everything they touches becomes as rotten as they are. The Illusive Man should be praying that I die on this mission, because if I don't and our path's cross again I will take Cerberus down brick by god damn brick."

"Cerberus brought you back Shepard, they have given you everything that you need to save the lost colonists. You are the best of humanity, Shepard people look up to you. You are someone that everyone aspires to be, little girls want to be just like you. You would make Cerberus great if you..."

"I want to burn Cerberus to the ground for bringing me back," Jade hissed. "You have no idea what I'm going through Lawson, I'm barely holding it together for the sake of the mission. Not to mention—" Jade froze, and inhaled deeply trying to stop the pain on her face. "Stay away from the Flotilla, if I have an inkling that you're spying on us I will shove you out the airlock myself."

"Of course Commander," Miranda replied.

Jade looked at her over her shoulder as she stopped in front of the metal door. "You can go ahead and try to do this mission without me."

"Not without you, in spite of you. I mean honestly you're an alcoholic soldier who has a hero complex. You refuse to let anyone help you carry your burdens and you're turning into an alcoholic. You'll probably get yourself killed on the mission, and if the Illusive Man decides to give you a third life? Well I swear to you that I will put that control chip in your brain."

Jade turned to face her, her eyes glowing an angry orange-red, "You're so lucky I'm not carrying my gun right now."

Miranda took a step back, in surprise at the quick degeneration of the Jade's eyes. "Shepard you need to calm—"

Jade walked away, not bothering to look back as she headed back to grab Grunt for a few rounds of sparring. She needed to calm down before she accidently hurt someone. It was the only reason she chose Grunt it took a lot to bring him down.

* * *

"I can still go back and get you exiled if you want," Jade said with a playful smirk on her face.

Tali let out a short laugh, "Thanks. But I'm fine with things like this. Its fun watching you yell." She was quiet for a moment as she watched the other Quarians, "Shepard; thank you, no one has ever spoken in my defence like that before. I—"

Jade held up her hand, "You're one of the few friends I have left, and you know me Tali. I didn't do this for your father, I did this for you. Besides I wasn't just going to lie down and let them exile you, well at least without rising a, as Udina would put it, 'Political Shit-storm' in my wake. I seem to be very good at that, never really liked politicians anyway," Jade mused. "Anyway, come on Tali'Zorah vas Normandy let's get back to our ship."

"Thank you...captain," Tali whispered mostly to herself before following Jade back to the Normandy.

* * *

Miranda had been watching, it was, after all, her job to watch Jade Shepard. It was a shame that Jade had no love for politics, the galaxy could use someone like her, ignoring the potential blowback and helping the people. But what had surprised her was her defence of the Geth, arguing with Tali about whether a war was an intelligent idea, pushing her to try and seek peace with them. Judging from Jade's reaction to EDI being aboard the ship, she had assumed that she had simply hated Geth. Even if she had warmed up to EDI considerably, it still didn't make any sense.

She debated whether to confront her about it, but chose against it. There would be no point, Jade was ignoring her. If they did have something to discuss Jade kept it short and completely orientated on the task at hand. Even their weekly dinners had disappeared. What was worse, was Jade refused to take her on missions, she'd actually chosen Zaeed over her. That had hurt a lot more then she'd care to admit. Jade of course would never let their issue go public, she ran a tight ship when she wasn't sneaking off to go play skillian five poker with Kenneth and Gabby, or having her long conversations with the Drell and the Justicar.

She noticed the small ping and glanced at her computer, noticing that the Illusive Man wanted to see Shepard who had gone straight for a shower after coming back from the fleet. She forwarded the message to Yeoman Chambers before going heading down to the FTL Com room.

* * *

Jade swore as she got hit with the scion's shockwave as her shields went down as she ducked behind the wall, "Tali my shields are down, combat drone, I'm only going to have one shot to take this thing down," she ordered switching to her sniper rifle.

"Chiktikka has been deployed," Tali responded as Jade who immediately exited her cover and took aim wincing as the scion turned its attention from the combat drone and focused on her.

She held her ground however waiting for the scion to send another shockwave towards her so it could expose the circle on its waist. She didn't have to wait long as the scion sent another shockwave at her, she took the shot, watching as the scion disintegrated and the shockwave slammed into her. Her shields hadn't come back online and she was sent flying back crashing into a wall pillar. She could feel something break as pain shot through her entire body. She slid down the pillar and landed on her feet, clenching her teeth in pain.

"Commander, you really need to move it, their weapons are nearly online," Joker pointed out.

"I get it Joker,"Jade hissed and looked at her party, "Tali, Thane, Grunt you heard Joker get to the Kodiak, we need to get out of her now." She turned her head to see a slew of Collectors rushing at them, "Move it people," she said turning to the group of collectors and grabbing her missile launcher and letting the rest of ammo fly as she ran and limped to the Kodiak clutching her left arm to her body.

"Swarm of Husks are blocking the Kodiak..." Thane began only for all of them to fly upwards and slam to the ground crushing them with the force, he turned to look at Jade who looked very close to collapsing, she had overdone it with her slam.

"Go," she commanded turning on her heels and running backwards as she continued to fire at the collectors as she stepped into the Kodiak the door sliding shut as she collapsed onto the seat trying to stop keep the darkness out of her vision. "Status?"

"We're fine Shepard, are you though? Pushing your biotics like that can't have been good for your Nervous system."

"Shepard is a strong battle master," Grunt put in.

Jade looked at them , their faces blurring, "I'm fine," she replied shooting them a weak grin, the medi-gels weren't working suggesting that it was something serious. She felt the Kodiak dock and pushed open the door, brushing by Miranda who had a look of concern on her face as she made a beeline to Joker wanting to make sure that they were going to make it. There was no way in hell she was going to lose the Normandy again.

The ship suddenly jerked forward causing Jade to crash into Joker's chair which she grabbed onto it holding it as they accelerated away from the collector ship. "We clear," she finally managed.

"We're good Commander," Joker replied turning towards her "It was totally thanks too—"

Jade's eyes rolled to the back of her head as the exhaustion finally taking her, she managed to open her eyes one more time and Miranda's face filled her vision. Jade smiled as she finally let the darkness take her, she could hear Miranda and Joker yelling something about a Med bay and finally there was nothing.


	6. Chapter 6

"Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength."

- August Wilson

"She'll be fine Miranda, it was merely exhaustion mixed with blood loss that caused her to collapse. How she managed to race from the cargo hold to Joker let alone the simple act of standing can only be a testament to how well she was put back together. What I am more concerned about is the exhaustion. Her cortisol levels are extremely high, she's put her body under a lot of stress. There were of course other signs suggesting that she's been sleep deprived. "

Miranda looked at Jade, "What about her arm?"

Chakwas looked over at Jade, "She broke dislocated her shoulder, I put it back and she has a few stress fractures which I took care of. Miss Lawson I assure you that she will wake up soon enough. She will be fine. She will be glad to hear that you were so worried about her."

Miranda focused on Jade who stirred for a split second her hand rushing to her hip, "It's a med lab," she informed her.

Jade's eyes flicked toward Miranda and then to Chakawas, before sliding out of the bed she had been placed on and grabbing her shirt and buttoning it up, "Patch me through to the Illusive Man," she said not even looking at Miranda.

"He's been waiting for you," Miranda replied eyeing her.

Jade looked at Chakwas, "Am I cleared to leave?"

Chakwas snorted, "Hah, like I could stop you, just get some rest."

Jade smiled as she smoothed her shirt and fixed her hair, "Thanks doc," she said with a smile as she glanced at Miranda, "Coming," she said nodding her head towards the door as she rotated her left arm heading to the elevator.

Miranda didn't say anything till the elevator closed, allowing the crew to wish Jade well a small smile on her face. As soon as the elevator started, Miranda caused it to stop. "We need to talk. What were you thinking?"

"About? I walked into a trap, if I had known that it was a trap I would have planned differently. My first priority is to make sure that everyone made it back. The Husks would have swarmed us, tearing apart our shields and with the Collectors hot on our asses the best possible scenario was to simply deal with them. If I had taken Jack or if I had mastered shockwave then I wouldn't have exerted myself." Jade looked at her. "Still have complete faith in the Illusive Man?"

"He did what he thought was necessary," Miranda began, seeing Jade roll her eyes. "And I want to shoot him for it. Cerberus does cross the line all the time, but I do like what they stand for."

"Hmm who knew that him endangering my life and possibly yours would allow you to see reason. Still want to put a chip in my head?" Jade said a smirk on her features.

"This isn't a joke, Shepard. You're endangering everything with your stupidity, and I do mean everything. Let me help you. For once let someone help you shoulder the burden you've been carrying."

"I'm fine, just a bit..."

"Everyone knows that you're not. What you did was stupid—"

"You know other people would call what I did heroic," Jade pointed out cutting Miranda off reaching out to start the elevator again.

"There is a fine line between heroism and stupidity. You're just being stupid." Miranda replied grabbing her wrist.

"Let's be fair, I was running for my life to the Kodiak, so we could escape the stupid ship. No way in hell am I seeing my ship blown up again. I really doubt the Illusive Man will make me another," Jade mused

Miranda kissed her. It was passionate, their tongues battling each other. If anything it was simply to get Jade to shut up for a few moments, "Let me help you," it was a whisper as she gazed into Jade's eyes.

Jade's mind was a haze as she looked at Miranda, "You need to focus on the mission, everyone needs to be focused on the mission," she said quickly, struggling to push Miranda away. This was her cross to carry, no matter what happened.

"I can't," Miranda admitted, "You're busy getting everyone prepared and focused on the mission all the while you're not focused on the mission. You can't die Shepard, not again. I can't bring you back a second time. And if you're not focused, other people will die as well. And it will be your fault."

Jade darted away and pushed the button, "No, Miranda, I'll be fine. I always am."

"The scars, your eyes, you are not okay. Everyone can see it, and judging by the deterioration it's getting worse. The nightmares are getting worse as well. EDI has informed me that you wake up screaming some nights. I'm not blind Jade, this entire time your eyes have stayed the same. Tali and Garrus are the only other people who you completely relax with, and even then it's not all the time. As soon as you look at me, or come see me you relax. The question you have to ask yourself is why?"

Jade left the elevator not bothering to turn and look back at Miranda, she already knew why. If they all survived and it wasn't too late then she might act upon her feelings. But she refused to take that risk. She entered the comm. room noting that Jacob and Mordin were there as well as she was patched directly through to the Illusive Man.

"Shepard, it looks like EDI extracted some interesting data before the Collector ship came back online."

"Cut the act. You set us up and you'd better have a damn good reason for it," Jade hissed.

"We needed information on the Omega 4 relay. That required direct access to Collector data. It was too good an opportunity to pass up."

Jade scowled, he was right. "Agreed. But I don't like surprises. Especially when my ass and the asses of my squad are on the line. You have one job and that is information, if I can't trust your information then we will have a future problem."

"I put you at risk, yes. But without that information, we don't reach the Collector home world. And you and every other human may as well be dead. It was a trap...but I was confident in your abilities. And don't forget EDI, the Collectors couldn't have anticipated her."

Jade watched him tapping his cigarette in the ash tray before standing up, "You could have told me the plan. You say that I'm important but you try hard to get me killed."

"I needed the Collectors to believe that they had the upper hand. Telling you could've tipped them off in any number of ways. Besides I wouldn't have sent you in if I didn't think you could succeed."

Jade crossed her arms, "I don't risk people, there are always alternatives."

"Like Torfan?" The Illusive Man shot back, watching as Jade went for her hip. Jade's facial expression didn't change when she realized that she was again unarmed. It was of course something that she would have to fix even though it probably meant that more people would be sent to Chakwas. "You may not like being on the receiving end—neither would I—but the facts are with me. As much as we try to avoid them, these decisions need to be made. You are no stranger to this, Virmire, Torfan. But more importantly...it paid off." He took his seat, "EDI confirmed our suspicions. The Reapers and Collector ships use an and advanced Identify Friend/Foe system that the relays recognize. All we need to do is get our hands on one of those IFFs."

"So what's the plan?"

"An Alliance science team recently determined that the 'Great Rift" on the planet Klendagon is actually an impact crater from a mass accelerator weapon. I sent a team to find either the weapon or it's target. They found both. The wapon was defunct,, but it helped us plot the flight path of the intended target—a 37 million year old derelict Reaper. We found it damaged and trapped in the gravity of a brown dwarf."

Jade paused; a brown dwarf was basically a star that didn't quite make it. With Haestrom's sun acting oddly it was possible that it could have something to do with the Reapers. The sun after all was deteriorating at an accelerated pace and quite frankly she had no clue just how technologically advance the Reapers were. The pieces were there she'd just have to put them together.

"The Reaper has a mass effect field that keeps it in orbit. Likely an automated response to the external threats. It's stable, but I won't call it safe."

"I saw what Sovereign did to the Citadel fleet. Hard to imagine anything could stop something that powerful."

"This vessel is a relic from a battle waged while mammals took their first steps on Earth. There is no trace of the species that took the shot. Perhaps it was their one moment of defiance before being wiped out."

"This isn't going to be a simple "swing by and pick up our package" is it?"

"We lost contact with Dr. Chandana's team shortly after they boarded.

Of course not, that would be too easy, they always had to risk life and limb for even the simplest of things.

"Initial reconnaissance revealed no clues, and it was too risky to commit more resources—but now we need that IFF. I'll forward the coordinates to Joker. In the meantime...I suggest you tell your crew I didn't risk their lives unnecessarily. It will make things easier going forward."

Jade glared at him, before turning around "EDI—tell the crew to assemble . We've got a lot to talk about."

Jade rubbed her eyes as she stared at the map of the galaxy, before glancing down at the dossiers on her desk. They weren't ready, Thane still didn't have full confidence in her abilities, either did Mordin, Grunt or Samara. She couldn't risk the other's safety. Nor could she keep putting it off. "EDI give me a real-time connection to the SSV Orizaba. I want to speak to my mother, Captain Shepard. And tell Lawson to mind her own business."It was cruel to call her mother, especially when she was probably going to die on some Collector home world, that is if the Omega 4 relay didn't rip their ship apart first.

"Patching you through Commander," EDI's voice came over the intercom and Jade rested her chin on her hands.

"Captain Shepard of the SSV Orizaba speaking..."

"Mom," Jade greeted relaxing, her heart aching as she realized how much she missed her mother.

There was a pause, "Jade? I heard you were alive but..."

"I was dead, I'm back. I'm not a clone but I do have a lot of cybernetic enhancements. A lot of upgrades. Spent 4 billion credits putting me back together."

"Who..?"

"Cerberus. I know, I know Ash already gave me the rundown and how I've betrayed everything we stood for. But colonists are disappearing and the Alliance isn't fixing it. I've got my spectre status back so I'm in the clear for the whole treason bit," Jade put in.

"I heard the rumours that you were on a top secret mission, that I didn't have clearance for."

"Mom, I realize that we have a lot to catch up on, but you're on duty and we both know how that's like. Though I still never made captain, and I don't think I ever will the whole joining Cerberus can't be good for promotion bid."

"Of course."

"You remember our discussion about Lieutenant Zabaleta? It's happening to me, Mom and I need to get it together if only to make sure Torfan doesn't happen again."

"You're intelligent Jade, you know what you need to do. You can't lead people when you're battling for your sanity."

Jade snorted, "I built my team mother, the very best the galaxy has to offer from all species, except Batarians of course, they are sworn to help me with this mission. Not Cerberus just me, and Cerberus has put to much into this mission. If I bow out now more colonists are going to end up dead and that will just make things incredibly worse."

"Ernesto never talked about his problems and that was the crutch. You met him you saw what he became, talk to someone. I know you, to stubborn to let others help you. Is there anyone you can talk to? Anyone at all?"

Jade thought about what her mother had said. Ernesto had been a mess, a rather big mess. He had smelled like a brewery as well, a habit she was picking up herself.

"Tell me, just how bad is this mission."

"The Omega 4 relay is all I can say, if you need more information Liara T'soni on Illium can provide you with it. She'll know if I live or die on this mission, but I will be careful mom. I have no intention of dying again."

"I have to go. But take care of yourself and please talk about it. Orizaba out."

Jade spun around in her chair, crossing her legs looking at the almost finished brandy. She had simply thought that Ernesto was sensitive, unable to hack it in the Alliance, but she knew better. She was wrong; he had probably been an excellent soldier. "EDI tell Miranda that I said okay, if the offer still stands." There was no way she was going to let the ghosts of her past beat her, not when she had so much riding on her being the person she was back when she went after Saren.


	7. Chapter 7

"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy must have somebody to divide it with."

-Mark Twain

* * *

"I heard Miranda spent the night with you," Garrus stated looking at her; she could hear the smirk in his voice as she ate her breakfast. "Come on, remember when we used to swap stories about our conquests? It made for great elevator talk."

"We did discuss a lot of things in those elevators," Tali agreed, showing some interest in their conversation. "So you and Miranda?"

Mordin chose this moment to add "Sexual activity common for humans in such times. Understand it intellectually. Recommend caution when dealing with Cerberus. Watch for bugs. Could be planted anywhere. Can perform exam later if necessary. Will need probes. Biotic ability also gives benefits. Forwarding booklet to your quarters. Includes diagrams, exercises, inventive uses of mass effect fields. Can supply oils or ointments to reduce discomfort. Gave EDI electronic relationship aid demonstration to use as necessary."

Mordin paused and looked at Jade who was choking on her food her face a bright shade of red, "Human squeamishness. Simple advice from trained medical professional! Enjoy yourself while possible, Shepard. Will be in the lab, studying cell reproduction. Much simpler. Less alcohol and mood music required." With that he left the table, causing most eyes to shift towards Jade both Alien and human.

"Is she really an ice queen?" Kasumi asked.

At this point in time Jade was cursing Miranda from commandeering her alcohol, it would have made this conversation slightly more tolerable. She was also a bit ticked off that Miranda, like usual, dined in her quarters like usual. "Nothing happened," it was the truth of course. It had been awkward; she was incapable of discussing her feelings. Any questions about her past were answered in the least amount of words as possible. She was terrible at it; she was used to asking about other people. No one ever really asked her about her past. Past decisions, yes but Miranda had strayed away from asking her to justify her decisions. Miranda simply wanted to know about her. And quite frankly it made her uneasy, she just didn't know if it was because Miranda was Cerberus or simply if the whole concept bothered her. But her mother was right she needed to talk to someone and Miranda did understand, if only a little bit what she was going through.

It hadn't bothered her when Liara had done it, which made the whole situation more complicated. Liara and Miranda were two different people, not even of the same species. But at the same time they were so similar, it really bothered her. She nibbled on her food, trying her hardest to follow the conversation in front of her, it still had to do with her sex life, or lack thereof.

"Come on Shepard regale us with one of your conquests," Garrus said, causing Jade's eyes to shift towards him.

Jade rolled her eyes, "When I was a teenager, yes tons of conquests, but in the Alliance where fraternization is a big deal, not so much. I was an XO, I had many offers. I just wanted to keep my job. Have I seduced my fair share of men and women," there was a wicked smirk on Jade's face, "Most definitely."

The talking continued, Garrus continued to tease her, Kasumi wanted to find out more about Miranda, Tali had questions about Earth culture. She could definitely feel a headache coming along as she excused herself, she still hadn't decided what their next course of action was.

Grunt had been more aggressive than usual, to the point where it was a problem ready to fight nearly everyone on the ship. Mordin had requested to go to Tuchanka and it would be a good to see Wrex again. The derelict reaper would still be there in a few weeks. Thane's mission seemed the easiest stop his son from becoming a killer. It was a worthy goal. "Joker plot a course for the Citadel," she announced before heading down to go talk to Miranda. They were in the home stretch a few more missions and they would hit the Omega 4 relay.

* * *

"You do realize that you will actually have to tell me about Torfan. And Kaidan Alenko." Miranda pointed out from where they were sitting in her office, Jade draped over the chair her eyes focused on Miranda.

"Kaidan was a friend, he was in love with me that I was aware of but I chose Liara, but he was a good friend. I trusted him with my life. I had to choose somebody. I chose Kaidan, it was a difficult decision to make, one which I didn't make lightly. People trust me to put their life in my hands. They put making the hard decisions, the decisions on who lives and who dies. These people are my friends. I want to protect them all. Kaidan or Ashley, Ashley said I should have saved Kaiden and left her to die. If Kaidan was still alive, he probably would have said the same thing. I had to make a decision, I was forced to make a decision if I could have saved both you know damn well I would have. Even with that decision, Kaiden still haunts me though. I can't even remember what my thought process was when I made the decision. Maybe I made the wrong decision, if I had sacrificed Ashley I could have justified it? Could I have saved him? I mean if I had bothered to go back, could I have saved him?"

Miranda watched Jade wrestling with this, "You didn't grieve did you?"

Jade let out a short laugh, "No I didn't, I made sure that my crew was alright, then it was back to saving the galaxy. It became a race against time, I needed to be focused. I pushed it aside. After the whole saving the Citadel bit, being the big hero, I never had a moment to think to remember. It was like he never existed, his sacrifice allowed us to succeed. And I forgot about him. He was one of my best friends and I forgot about him."

Miranda nodded, gently placing her hand on Jade's to comfort her. "You never forgot, you were simply busy, you had a mission and you needed to complete it. If you want to honour Kaidan's memory then we could go back to Virmire. You can give your respects."

Jade shook her head, "No, after the mission. Stop the collectors, grieve later."

"Pushing your problems aside is what got you into this mess into the first place, after we get the Reaper IFF before we go across the Omega 4 relay. If we don't make it then at least you got to say your goodbyes. It is probably a one way trip after all."

Jade opened her mouth to comment on Miranda's fatalistic attitude when Joker's voice informed them that they had arrived on the Citadel. "Suit up," she finally said as she left her office. Heading back to Virmire, she couldn't do it alone. She couldn't stand at the site where Kaidan died alone. She briefly wondered if Miranda would stand by her, if only for that moment. It was silly of course, Miranda wasn't a crutch. She could do it on her own.

* * *

"We went to the Citadel just so we could stop one boy from becoming a killer?" Miranda asked as Jade was putting her guns in the armoury.

"We saved your sister, we helped Jacob find his father, we helped Kasumi steal back a grey box, we hunted down the man who betrayed Garrus, I stopped Tali from being exiled in perhaps what is the biggest political feint in Quarian history, blew up a building for Jack. Nearly got myself killed helping Zaeed. Most importantly I gave them all a reason to follow me into a suicide mission. If we can't stop one boy from making a really really bad decision then we're not going to have much hope against the collectors."

"Tuchanka though?"

"According to you I'm basically sending all these people to their death if they have some last request then I will do everything in my power to make sure that it happens."

"Yes,I understand that, but Tuchanka that wasteland?"

"Your dislike for Tuchanka has been duly noted," Jade said with a small smile. "I'm beginning to understand that you don't settle for anything less than the best."

"But of course Shepard, I mean look at you. I do a very good job."

Jade smiled and leaned in to kiss Miranda, "If we do go to Virmire then will you stand beside me? I don't think I could go their alone. Not after everything that has happened, and I can't ask Joker to come with me or Chakwas, and I need somebody."

Miranda nodded taking her hand, "It would be an honour Commander."

Jade smile and went back to putting her guns away making sure that they were cleaned. "Are you spending the night with me again? Last nice it was nice, and I slept better than I have in awhile."

Miranda paused for a second, "If you tell me what you were thinking about this morning."

Jade focused on her guns, "I was just remembering the first time I woke up and seeing your face. You had that calming effect on me back then. Of course that could be the amount of sedatives that you pumped in me before I passed out but still. That small smile that you gave me just before I closed my eyes made me feel safe."

"Do you still feel safe with me?"

"I've always felt safe with you, I am quite aware that I shouldn't feel safe with you. I mean you work for Cerberus, you admitted to wanting to put a chip in my head to control me, but for some reason I do actually like you." Jade shrugged looking at Miranda half-expecting another kiss when Jacob walked into the Armoury and saluted them. "At ease Jacob," Jade said dismissively.

"I've got operational reports, to do. We'll catch up after, if you still want to..?"

"I do," Jade said going back to her guns hiding the smile on her face as Miranda left the room. Jade watched her from the corner of her eye a smile on her face.


	8. Chapter 8

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you..."

-Neil Gaiman

* * *

"I hate Krogan and their god damn rituals. Especially the whole lets smash our heads together for dominance," Jade groaned from where she was nursing a migraine. "And then lets survive a Thresher Maw attack."

"You ended up killing the Maw," Miranda pointed out from where she typing up another report.

"Grunt ended up taking the final blow, all I did was bring it down. And then having to put down those stupid Krogan was the easier part of my day. Don't know how Wrex can stand it." Jade muttered.

"Is more Krogan really a good idea?"

Jade shrugged, "Who knows, the Salarians think not, I don't exactly care one way or another. If Wrex can unify the clans a Krogan war doesn't sound like a big problem, and quite frankly expansion also doesn't sound that bad. It's a big galaxy there are hundreds of planets the Krogans can inhabit. All they Salarians have done is basically made an enemy of the Krogans, and their anger is justified. If Mordin focuses on curing the genophage then their anger at the Salarians might stop, there is a chance at intergalactic peace. There is no need for human dominance all it does is create hatred towards humans which will eventually lead to people coming after us."

"You think Cerberus isn't necessary?" Miranda said looking at her.

"I think Cerberus needs government over-site," Jade responded with ease. "If they weren't extremists and they didn't cross certain lines that should never be crossed I would join with them. They need to answer to someone, who is not the Illusive Man."

"You crossed certain lines as a Spectre, you were above the law."

Jade laughed, "I stole a ship to save the galaxy, this is justifiable and I didn't really hurt anybody. Udina probably had an aneurysm and was probably screaming something about a political shit storm. However torturing children or enslaving another race to act as shock troops does not equal justifiable. I never sacrificed who I was or what I stood for unless there was no other option and lets face it no one believed me and I don't quite like the idea of getting killed due stupid politicians. We have other options plenty of them such as not being considered terrorists. Diplomacy works quite well if you make friends, which we haven't done. Well that is till I saved the Council. They still don't like me for some reason. They could have at least given me the benefit of the doubt."

"And here I thought you never paid attention to politics," Miranda teased.

"I don't, however the only way to stop the Reapers is for all species to work together. The Krogan, the Asari, the Quarians, the Turians, the Salarians, the Drell and humans all working together to stop the Reaper threat would be simply magnificent don't you think?" Jade said with a grin. "It is probably the only chance in hell we have of beating back the Reapers."

Miranda slid out of her chair and straddled Jade who still had her eyes closed and kissed her. She felt Jade's hands sneak around her waist, "You think we can all get along enough to beat the Reapers?"

Jade shrugged, "If the council decides to listen to me about the Reapers and take steps against them then we won't have a problem. But that's a lot of ifs, and it's way too early to be thinking of the Reapers. We've got the collectors to worry about."

"I have to admit I am impressed, you have managed to get the loyalty of everyone on board, we can go after the Reaper IFF soon and then finally we can hit the Collector home world."

"And then?" Jade asked looking up at her. "Assuming we survive that is. You go back to the Illusive Man? I go back to being Alliance, if they take me back and you're still an enemy of the Council. If we meet again I will have to take you into custody or shoot you. And knowing you it will probably be the latter."

"I haven't thought that far ahead," Miranda admitted pulling herself of Jade and going back to her bed. "I mean I don't really expect to come back from the Omega 4 relay. If we come back, then we can talk about the future then." Jade nodded and closed her eyes. "I don't know what this is to be honest. Whether it's stress or blowing off steam or—"

"I do care about you Miranda, and you've made it pretty clear to me that you care about me, having second thoughts are we?" Jade said looking at her.

"You just said it; even if we do come back we will have to break up. This isn't even the time for emotional entanglements you and I know more about the Collectors than anyone. We know how unlikely it is that we're coming back alive. What idiotic bunch of hormones thought that now was a good time for love."

Jade stood up and walked to Miranda's bed, "I thought we were clear I'm just trying to get you into bed," Jade replied a teasing smile on her face.

"You ass," Miranda said with a small laugh.

"I want this more than anything, and I know you want it to."

Miranda looked away, "Yeah I do. So don't die. Don't play the hero and get yourself killed. You promise me dam nit."

Jade rubbed the back of her neck, she had no real intention of getting herself killed but then again she hadn't planned on dying earlier when she rescued Joker. She knew if she had to she would make the same decision again for any member of her crew. For the time she left Kaidan to die without attempting to rescue him. It wasn't going to happen again. "I already died once Miranda, I don't plan on doing it again. But you know I can't make that promise. I'll do everything that I can to stay alive. That is all I can promise."

"There is no need to be the hero Shepard, you don't need to die again. I need time to think," Jade nodded and began to head out the door. "Samara wants to see you."

Jade nodded once, to show that she had heard. "We don't have much time left Miranda," she pointed out as she left.

* * *

"Let me get this straight your mission was to seduce an Asari who kills with sex?" Garrus asked. There was a hint of disbelief in his voice.

Jade smirked as she ate her lunch, "What's the matter Garrus jealous that I have more skills than you?"

"Nonsense, there is no way you could have pulled this mission off as stylishly like I could have." Garrus argued.

"Of course not Garrus," Jade said shaking her head a smile on her face.

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news," Kasumi began sliding into a seat across from Garrus and Jade, Tali with her. "But Miranda is on the warpath. What did you do?"

"She seduced an Asari who can kill you by having sex with you," Garrus informed them.

"I really don't see why you're more into the whole mission than I am," Jade pointed out in a teasing tone. "As for Miranda again it's not like we're really together. "

"You do realize that she's right behind you?" Tali commented dryly causing Jade to tense as she turned to Miranda standing up as she did so.

"Miranda I see you read the mission..." Jade's body suddenly glowed blue as she was slammed against the wall, all eyes turning to watch the scene unfold.

"Listen carefully; I will not share you with anyone. If this relationship is going to go anywhere everyone on this ship has to know that you are mine."

"I think they got the message," Jade pointed out nodding her head to the fact that everyone on board was staring at the two of them.

"Did you?"

"Yes, you're very territorial," Jade responded noting both Tali and Kasumi shaking their heads in disbelief. Garrus was simply laughing at her, while Grunt looked confused. Miranda dropped Jade on the ground letting her fall on her ass before storming off to her office. Jade stood up and dusted herself up, ignoring the stares as she straightened out her uniform and headed back to her food. She sat down as if nothing happened and continued eating her food."

"Shepard..."Grunt began.

"Grunt when you finally decide to mate, you will understand that strength has nothing to do with it," she informed him.

"Aren't you going to go apologize?" Kasumi asked

"For what? I'm still very much alive which means I didn't have sex with her. Seduced, yes but this was Samara's idea not mine. I would have simply shot her as soon as she stopped me."

"Well shouldn't you at least try and make up with her?" Tali asked.

"My food will get cold or Grunt will eat it. Seriously people I suggest you all pretend this never happened," Jade ordered turning on her crew as she stood up and walked to Miranda's office carrying her tray.

Miranda looked up at her, "What?"

"Really was that necessary? I went after a psychopath, one that could kill me if I slept with her and was addicted to the whole melding; the best way to get to her was by seducing her. I get why you're upset but you could have thrown me to the wall when we were in your office not in front of the crew. Not like that at least." Miranda glared as Jade took a seat and propped her feet up on the table, "There is no need to be jealous Miranda, you know very well how I feel about you."

"I don't. You say you care, but you've never made it explicitly clear what you feel. Yes you care about me, but you care for Tali and Garrus and everyone aboard this ship. We can't continue this unless you're willing to admit how you feel about me."

"I care for you, in a different way from everyone else. I mean I keep coming back, do I love you. I couldn't say." Jade said scratching her head. "I just currently have too much on my plate right now, we both know this. And I should have at least told you what I was doing; I mean I didn't even have to pull out a gun. Forgive me?"

Miranda looked at her, she had managed to get Jade to open up about Kaiden but she still had the nightmares, they were infrequent nothing like before but they were still there. She studied Jade, it wasn't the time, not yet. "Fine, but as I said everyone on this ship had better know that you are mine."

"Would you like me to tattoo your name on my forehead?" Jade drawled a relieved smile on her face.

"That won't be necessary, I think the entire crew got the message," Miranda replied, "At least we gave them something to talk about."

Jade snorted, "Now they think you own me."

"I do own you," Miranda pointed out a small smile on her face.

Jade paused and gave her a small smile, "Yeah, you do." With that Jade finished her lunch watching Miranda work. "Miranda?"

Miranda looked up at her, "Yes?"

"You can't die either, because let's face it I'm not smart enough to put you back. Like you put me back together" She pointed out.

"You don't have the resources to put me back together." Miranda pointed out.

"I would sell my soul to the Illusive Man to get him to bring you back," Jade replied leaving her office and giving her something to think about.


	9. Chapter 9

"Beware of him that is slow to anger; for when it is long coming, it is the stronger when it comes, and the longer kept. Abused patience turns to fury"

-Francis Quarles

* * *

She sat up, her bed had been empty for the past few days, and she missed the warmth of another body pressed against her own. But Miranda had been busy, and they were busy. From having the Reaper IFF being installed to having Legion on board, it was like everyone was aware that this could possibly be their last few weeks alive and they were busy making sure that everything was cared for, and they were constantly in Miranda's office.

She had been surprised that she got on rather well with Legion; the concepts of AIs had grown on her since she had been introduced to EDI. She had been busy keeping the peace between Tali and Legion. There hadn't been any blow ups yet, but she made sure to keep them a deck apart at all times. Or at least out of each other's sight. It had been working pretty well, and Tali insisted on coming with her to help blow up some more Geth. She was still trying to convince Tali that peace with the Geth was the best option. Everyone's tensions were high and she was struggling to maintain a semblance of peace on the ship.

She got out of bed and headed to have a quick shower, she planned to talk to Miranda if she wasn't busy before heading to talk to Joker about approaching the Geth Ship.

"Your nightmares are back."

Jade looked up at Miranda from where she was resting her head on Miranda's lap. It was a statement that irritated Jade, Miranda could always read her thoughts. Jade sighed and sat up, "Torfan was a living nightmare, it's only fitting that it constantly haunts my dreams."

"Is that why you hate Batarians?"

Jade eyed her, "You don't?"

"I mean they aren't really well liked as a whole. No one is fond of them, and I'm indifferent really to most aliens, but on a scale Batarians are merely a step up from Vorcha, and Vorcha are vermin. You, you really hate Batarians. I was there when you killed those Batarians on Omega, you promised to let them go and then gunned them down anyway."

Jade paused, "You've heard of Batarian slaving practices?"

"They implant control devices into the skulls of the slaves, without anaesthetic. I heard it's a quite gruesome procedure, some people go mad from it."

"I was stationed on Elysium, I was there at the Skyllian Blitz, and one of my friends got captured, Operations Chief Jillian Hunter. She had been away from base for the day, it was her day off when they hit. She was my closest friend, my first friend really. I mean I was a spacer kid, I didn't stay in places long enough to make any friends. Jill came along and changed that, I owe her a lot. She was MIA, and I went looking for her. Found out that she had been taken trying to save some children, they had all been taken. Volunteered for Torfan, I wanted my friend back."

"You found her? I read the report, everything was going fine, and you had sustained few casualties when you penetrated their defence. I mean I read what happened you found the children bodies...was Jillian's body one of them? Did they kill her?"

"I killed Jillian. Not the Batarian's, I killed Jillian."

"She attacked?" Miranda asked, she hadn't been expecting this and it hadn't been in the reports.

"Not really, she didn't she begged me to do it. They had done some pretty fucked up things to her, she was gone. Completely practically gone, the last little bit that was Jillian begged me to kill her. Told me what they had done to her, showed me the scars. Told me what they did to the kids, she had tried to protect them, but she couldn't. They broke her, and she begged me as her friend to kill her. I told her that she would get help, I told her that I would make sure I killed everyone of her tormentors. She told me it didn't matter she didn't want to live, not anymore that is. She lunged at me. She was malnourished, she had lost several pounds, and I could have subdued her easily. I took the shot. It was a clean kill, she didn't suffer. I...snapped. The men didn't need any more reason to go after the Batarians, the children were enough. " Jade's eyes were distant and were glowing orange.

"You pulled off one of the most impressive military feats, while blinded by anger?"

Jade shrugged, "No I was responsible for the deaths of so many good soldiers, because I was angry. I urged them to their deaths, and they followed me. I nearly got myself killed. The Batarian's surrendered after we slaughtered most of their men. I then personally executed every last one of them. Each Batarian was brought into a separate room and I executed them, and placed their bodies row by row. Every Batarian knew what was going to happen too them. The pool was slick with their blood. If the shot wasn't clean and they were still alive when I placed them row by row, they heard the dying breaths of their fallen brethren. I murdered them, I didn't kill them. Yet I feel nothing for them. "

Miranda gently rubbed Jade's knee, "Your men didn't trust you after that, is that why you transferred?"

Jade nodded, "I was given the name Butcher of Torfan. There were few people who wanted to follow me into battle. I chose to transfer, start again. You know the rest of the story. I killed my best friend, I sent hundreds of men to their death. I am not the best of humanity; I was never the best of humanity. I'm just really good at killing people and blowing things up and getting people killed."

"You're not the same person as you were back then. Was their alternative way probably but at the time you didn't think of it. You relied on brute force, and it's a decision you won't be making again. As for your friend it was a mercy killing, the people who we rescue from Batarian slavers after they've been slaves for awhile are never the same. Most of them commit suicide or attempt to, they're all insane. You spared her. You merely pulled the trigger on someone who was already dead; she was not your friend anymore, a mere husk of her former self. The Batarian's killed her already. "

"I didn't even try to save her."

"You can't save everyone, that's something that you should learn now. You did die trying remember?"

"Joker is my friend, I would die trying to save him again, if that's what you're getting at."

"Don't be a hero."

Jade rubbed her eye, "I won't die again. I can promise you that."

* * *

"Everyone? You lost everyone and damn near lost the whole ship too?" Miranda began ripping into Joker as soon as she walked into the com room.

"I know, all right? I was here," Joker said defensively, looking over at Jade to help him out.

"It's not his fault, Miranda. None of us caught it," Jacob said rushing to his defence.

"Mr. Taylor is correct. The harmful data in the Collector drive was even more sophisticated than the "black box" Reaper Viruses I was given."

Jade watched the exchange; her arms crossed an unreadable expression but it was clear to everyone in the room that Jade was beyond pissed, "Is the ship clean? We can't risk this happening again."

"EDI and I purged the systems. The Reaper IFF is online and we can go through the Omega 4 relay anytime we want," Joker responded.

"Don't even get me started about unshackling a damned AI," Miranda threw in causing Joker to turn on her.

"What could _I _do against Collectors, break my arm at them? EDI cleared the ship. She's alright."

"I assure you, I am still bound by protocols in my programming. Even if I were not, you are my crewmates."

"EDI has had plenty of opportunities to kill us. We need all the help we can get, and besides EDI's like family," Jade pointed giving a nod at EDI.

"It looks like we have everything we have everything we need to rescue the crew," Jacob threw in.

Miranda looked at Jade, she played the hero all the time. But they had just made the breakthrough this morning on Torfan. She wasn't ready, she couldn't be. "Specialists won't do us any good if they're not focused on the mission. Some of the team are distracted and that could cost us."

Jade looked at Miranda she was about to say something when Jacob cut her off, "We're just supposed to let the Collectors keep the crew?"

"That's exactly what we're supposed to do. The mission takes priority. The crew knew that when they signed on," Miranda replied.

Jade could see the irritation on her features; this was not something that she had done lightly. It was her attempt to protect her, to keep her on track, to keep her alive. "Joker, head back up to the bridge. The Rest of you," Jade looked at Miranda, "to your stations. We're taking the fight to them now and we're going to get the crew back."

Joker smiled as he saluted her, "Aye, aye, Commander. Just punch up the galaxy map when you're ready."

Jade watched as he and Jacob left the room, leaving her and Miranda alone. "Do you trust me?" Jade asked her wrapping her arms around her waist.

Miranda paused as she rested her head against Jade's, "Yes, I do."

"Then believe that I know what I'm doing," Jade replied gently kissing her and letting her go. "Get to your station Miranda and focus on the mission," Jade said switching back into Commander mode.

* * *

Miranda sat in her office quietly, watching Jade work, they were two hours away. She had never seen Jade so focused on her task. Garrus had commented, offhandedly, that the Commander was in her battle mode, and Miranda had to admit that even she was a tiny bit afraid of Jade. So much could happen on this mission, she could die, and she briefly wondered how Jade would react.

She already knew the answer to that though; Jade had already told her this. Jade would risk her life to secure her body, she had admitted that she would indeed work for the Illusive Man if he promised to bring her back. The thought that Jade would sell her soul to the proverbial devil almost brought a smile to her face. Almost, this could be her last chance to be with her. It could be her only chance to be with her, not that it wasn't for Jade's lack of trying, and she had tried numerous times. But neither of them had been ready. It would have been a mistake to start something that could have so easily have gone terribly wrong ruining the team harmony.

"EDI clear the Engineering deck, not a single crew member should be there in ten minutes." It was the only place that didn't have any monitoring devices, hopefully the crew would give them a bit of privacy but she truly doubted that. Miranda got up watching as Jade read her file as she made up her mind. Just for tonight.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Okay this is the last chapter and this is my first attempt at a sex scene so please forgive me if it is horrible, any constructive criticism would be appreciated, I didn't want to make this NC-17 so I attempted to do this as tastefully as I could. Thank you for all your reviews; this will probably be the first story in a series that I'm toying with. Don't know yet as most of it is still in my head, which is running possible scenarios. Anyway please review.**

* * *

"What if a demon were to creep after you one night, in your loneliest **loneliness**, and say, 'This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all in the same sequence. The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned and you with it, dust of the dust!' Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that demon? Or would you answer, 'Never have I heard anything more divine'?"

-Friedrich Nietzsche

* * *

Jade rubbed her eyes and turned to head to her cabin planning to sort out her armour, she had no idea what would happen, but it couldn't hurt to be ready for anything. The door hissed open and Jade looked at Miranda and tried to step aside so she could pass, Miranda matched her movements.

"Oh, pardon me, Commander," Miranda said placing her hand on Jade's chest to stop her.

Jade glanced down at her hand, a look of confusion crossing her features. Was now really the time? The entire crew of the Normandy had been taken; it was true that they had two hours before they hit the relay, but sex? With her increased endurance, she doubted she could do it so it in a way was satisfying. And even if she could, was it truly wise to exhaust herself before she stormed an unknown base. Even if she was willing to take that risk, her mind was currently elsewhere at the moment, battle strategies possible scenarios. She planned to beat the odds and live to tell about it, she planned to return to Miranda.

It was a strange thought, Miranda had made her promise to come back, Liara had not and she had died, she had known exactly what she was doing when she had sacrificed herself to save Joker. She made a habit of keeping her promises, unless it was to Batarians. She looked at Miranda, this really could be her only time to be with her, she planned to come back and she knew she had the skills to survive. But they were travelling into the unknown even though she planned to come back it was still nothing but a plan, nothing was certain.

Miranda leaned in so that her mouth was centimetres away from Jade's ear, and whispered seductively. "I've cleared the engine room. Be there in five minutes."

Jade watched Miranda's hand slowly travelling up her chest and resting on her cheek, her mind racing, the engine room could be seen by nearly every room, anyone could watch their actions. She'd like to assume that they would at least have the decency to not be voyeurs, but then again most of the team consisted of men, and she was sure Joker was watching, Joker was always watching and so was EDI. She hadn't done anything like this since she was a teenager and back then her body wasn't a scarred mess.

Jade quickly weighed her options; Miranda did say that she wanted everyone on the ship to know that she was hers. Jade smirked "I should have known you wouldn't settle for the captain's quarters."

Miranda smirked and kissed her, breaking it and dodging Jade's attempt to grab her and pull her close, "I thought we already settled this. I settle for nothing but the best," she said walking to the elevator, she had seen the second of split indecision on Jade's face and seductively swayed her hips. She could feel Jade's eyes watching her and she knew that she had her as she entered the elevator and turned around catching Jade attempting to recover from staring and gave her a wink as the elevator doors closed.

Jade watched her leaving her mind racing, she was going to do it but first she had to make sure that Joker understood what would happen if she lived and found videos of her and Miranda on the extranet.

* * *

Jade slipped onto the engineering deck, and headed to the drive core where she noticed Miranda. Sneaking up behind her she wrapped her arms around her, smiling when she heard the gasp of surprise escape from her lips. Jade nuzzled her neck as she ran her hands down her waist. She felt Miranda place her hand on her check and all the tension and all her worries ebbed away as she spun her around and kissed her, lifting her leg up and shifting her weight so she was currently resting on the controls as she continued to kiss her.

Miranda could feel the emotion in Jade's kiss; it was a raw and filled with passion. She had been taken off guard; it was something that Jade managed to do quite often. She gently pushed Jade off her and once again was surprised when Jade lifted her off the control panel and spun her around before slowly falling to the ground with Miranda straddling her. Miranda smiled and gently kissed her before sitting up as she slowly began to unzip her outfit. The hints of a smirk crossed her face as she noticed that Jade was simply staring as she shrugged out of her outfit. Jade suddenly reached up helping her shed her outfit as she kissed her.

Miranda kissed back before once again pushing Jade back, "I'm wearing considerably less than you," she said with a smirk on her face as she rubbed Jade's leg. She watched Jade fumbling with her outfit unbuttoning buttons and unhooking her bra as she tossed her clothes to the side.

Jade wanted this, it was all she could think about as she threw her clothes to the ground, and she felt Miranda's hand helping her until finally she was naked except for her underwear. Miranda who had been waiting patiently slid out of her own bra and began to kiss Jade again, breaking away as her hands explored Jade's body. It was a first, she had helped put her back together but Wilson had done most of the work, and it had been simply business to her. It was the first time she could enjoy the fruits of her labour.

Miranda caressed Jade's body, as she slowly began to kiss down her neck noting that her neck seemed to be one of Jade's weak spots as she moved closer to her nipples. She smiled as she gently teased Jade's nipples, hearing the low moans of pleasure that had slipped out of Jade's mouth. She continued to tease Jade, before she switched tactics and began to suck on the now erect bud hard, her free hand slipping down Jade's side gently brushing against Jade's groin. She felt Jade arch underneath her as she let out another moan of pleasure. If they had time, she would have had continued the foreplay, teasing Jade for hours, testing the increased endurance that Miranda had given her. She would have made Jade beg, plead for more.

Jade pulled Miranda back up to her flushed face; she could feel her wetness in her panties as she kissed Miranda again trying to take control of the situation if they were going to find release it was going to be together. Jade fumbled with removing Miranda's bra as they continued to kiss, finally managing to free Miranda of the accursed thing. Miranda's nipples hardened in response and Jade found herself staring, Miranda was flawless. Jade began to run her hands over Miranda's body exploring every inch of it, her fingers dancing with surprising nimbleness as she teased Miranda's nipples. It was her turn to smirk as Miranda moaned in pleasure. Jade's skilful fingers slowly edged their way lower till, Jade skilfully slid her hand under Miranda's panties and began to tease her, as Miranda arched back Jade's own lips crashed against hers kissing her roughly catching the moan.

With control of the situation firmly in Jade's court she advanced pushing Miranda against the ground switching their positions so she was kneeling between Miranda's legs as she kissed her, pulling down Miranda's panties as she went along. Jade slowly pulled away from Miranda's lips and looked at her, her fingers still teasing her. Miranda gave her a small nod and Jade smirked as her fingers slid inside her, Miranda's wetness providing more than enough lubrication for her two fingers. Miranda moaned in response as Jade started kissing down Miranda's body.

Miranda nearly screamed in pleasure when Jade's tongue reached her, it was just as if not more skilful than Jade's fingers who were working in perfect harmony with her tongue. She was skilled, even better than Jacob, and she had assumed that Jade's boastful stories had been just that boasts of imaginary prowess. She felt her hands tangling with Jade's hair as she pushed her deeper, she had never been with anyone this good and any control she had was gone. She could feel her body going rigid with pleasure as she was reaching her peak.

She moaned Jade's name as her climax hit causing Jade to smile to herself as she continued what she was doing, greedily tasting her and licking her bringing her to another smaller orgasm as her first one subsided. Jade sat up licking her lips, savouring Miranda's taste on her lips, watching her carefully, that annoying smirk on her face.

Miranda gave her a weak glare through her post-orgasmic bliss, it was time to return the favour as she reached her hand towards Jade's bare chest only to have Jade catch her hand with ease and gently kiss it, "It's my turn," she pointed out causing that infuriating smirk to widen.

"No," was Jade's simple reply as she held Miranda's hand.

"But—" Miranda began. She wanted to please Jade as well, she wanted to make her scream. She wanted to taste her, she wanted to make Jade hers.

Jade smiled at her, "If you want me so bad, come back to me," she said placing Miranda's hand on her check and nuzzling her. "You can do whatever you want to me if you come back to me."

Miranda nodded and traced the scars on Jade's face, "Then you promise me that you're going to come back. No heroics," Miranda replied, Jade nodded slowly and Miranda sat up and gently kissed her and rested her head against hers. They sat for that for a few minutes before Miranda smirked, "You said I could do whatever I wanted with you."

Jade rolled her eyes, "And they say I'm the pervert," she muttered as she saw the perverse gleam in Miranda's eye and she knew Miranda was currently fantasizing about all fun they could have, because quite frankly she doubted that having sex in a very public place was not the most perverse thing that Miranda could think off.

* * *

Jade walked into the Comm. room watching her squad arming themselves, she was holding her Kestrel helmet in her hand as she looked as she studied them, she glanced at Miranda who was busy helping Jacob arm everybody else. "This isn't how we planned this mission but this is where we are at. We can't worry about whether the Normandy can get us home. We came to stop the Collectors and that means coming up with a plan to take out the station." Jade leaned forward pressing her hand against the table, "EDI bring up your scans."

"You should be able to overload their critical systems if you get to the control centre here," EDI replied an arrow pointing to the area EDI was talking about.

"That means going to the heart of the station. Right past this massive energy signature," Jacob threw in putting it up on the holographic Collector base.

Jade studied it for a second, "That's the central chamber. If our crew or any of the colonists are still alive, the Collectors are probably holding them in here," she pointed out.

"Looks like there are two main routes, might be a good idea to split up to keep the collectors off balance, then regroup in the central chamber," Jacob said plotting out the route.

"No good, both routes are blocked. See these doors; the only way past them is to get somebody to open them from the other side," Miranda pointed cutting Jacob off.

She studied the scan her mind instantly creating scenarios and dissecting the base layer by layer. "It's not a fortress, there's got to be something," she muttered mostly to herself as she tried to create a scenario that had the least number of casualties and allowing them to penetrate to the central chamber. She noticed ventilation chamber, "Here, maybe we can send someone in through this shaft." Jade pointed out the shaft.

"Practically a suicide mission," Jacob said crossing his arms. "I volunteer."

Jade stared at him incredulously for his stupidity, Jacob didn't have the tech skills to get the door open in time, and she was a little perturbed by his eagerness to die. Miranda's fatalistic attitude as well, it must have been a Cerberus thing, yet another reason not to join the shadowy organization. She opened her mouth to reprimand him when Miranda beat her to it.

"I appreciate the thought, Jacob, but you couldn't shut down the security systems in time. We need to send a tech expert."

"It's your call, Commander. Who do we send into the shaft?" Both Miranda and Jacob turned to her expectantly and Jade scanned the room her eyes falling on Tali, Legion and Mordin. "Legion, you can hack through anything. I'm sending you into the shaft."

"Acknowledged," was it's simple reply.

Jade nodded, "The rest of us will break into two teams and fight down each passage. That should draw the Collectors' attention away from what you're doing."

"I'll lead the second fire team, Shepard. We'll meet up with you on the other side of the doors," Miranda said quickly offering her help.

"Not so fast, Cheerleader. Nobody wants to take orders from you," Jack pointed out.

"This isn't a popularity contest! Lives are at stake." Miranda fired back turning to Jade who was watching the exchange, "Shepard you need someone who can command loyalty through experience."

Jade ignored her, "Garrus, you're in charge of the second team." If Garrus was surprised he didn't let it show, and simply nodded.

Miranda on the other hand was seething, "Well, at least he knows what he is doing."

Jade once again ignored her, "I don't know what we're going to find in there, but I won't lie to you, it's not going to be easy. We've lost good people." Jade paused looking at each and everyone of them, they were her family, her highly dysfunctional family, "We may lose more. We don't know how many the Collectors have stolen, thousands, hundreds of thousands. It's not important. What matter is this; not one fucking more. That's what we can do, here, today. It ends with us. They want to know what we're made of? I say we show them, on our terms. Let's bring our people home. Everybody move out," Jade ordered, watching as they shuffled out, she grabbed Miranda's arm. "Be careful Lawson," she said quietly, so that only Miranda could hear as she leaned in and kissed her cheek.

* * *

"Shepard you've done the impossible."

Jade snorted, the hardest part of this stupid mission was getting through the relay, she hadn't lost anybody yet and she had no intention of doing so, she had already sent the rest of her squad and the crew back to the ship, there had been no casualties. As missions went this had to have been the easiest, nobody had forced her to choose who lived or who died. Not like Virmirre. "I was part of a team," she replied curtly as she began to set everything up to blow this godforsaken place into oblivion.

"I know. You did what you had to do, and you acquired the Collector base. I'm looking at the schematics EDI uploaded. A timed radiation pulse would kill the remaining Collectors, but leave the machinery and technology intact. This is our chance, Shepard. They were building a Reaper. That knowledge, that framework could save us."

Jade tensed up as she continued to work, "They liquefied people. Turned them into something horrible. We have to destroy the base," Jade said finally turning to stare at the Illusive Man head on.

"Don't be short-sighted. Our best chance against the Reapers is to turn their own resources against them," the Illusive Man pointed out.

"I'm not so sure. Seeing it firsthand...using anything from this base seems like a betrayal," Miranda, for once having doubts, which was clearly evident on her face.

"If we ignore this opportunity, that would be a betrayal," the Illusive man said dismissively. "They were working directly with the Collectors. Who knows what information is buried there? This base is a gift. We can't destroy it."

Jade rolled her eyes, had she been dealing with the Council this would have been a slightly different story, "You're completely ruthless. The next thing I know, you'll be wanting to build your own Reaper. Actually I know that's what you're going to do and then that's going to come back and bite us in the ass like the Geth and the Quarians. We can't control the Reapers, they control us, It's really that simple."

"My goal is to save humanity from the Reapers. At any cost. I've never hidden that from you. Imagine how many lives could be saved if we keep this base intact and use its knowledge to thwart the Reapers. Imagine the lives that will be lost if we don't. You better than anyone here know what that means. "

"No matter what kind of technology we find, it's not worth it."

"Shepard. You died fighting for what you believed. I brought you back so you could keep fighting."

"Yes, see that doesn't exactly endear me to you, and I didn't die fighting for what I believed in. I died trying to save a friend, slight difference," Jade pointed out a bored tone in her voice.

"Some might say what we did to you was going too far. But look at what you've accomplished. I didn't discard you because I knew your value. Don't be so quick to discard this facility. Think of the potential."

Jade paused for a second, she did see the potential. She just didn't trust the Illusive Man, "Absolute power corrupts absolutely, and let's face it you are already a corrupt man. There is no way in hell I'm going to put this type of power into your hands. Besides we'll fight and win without it. I won't let fear-mongering compromise who I am," Jade said going back to her plan to blow this place sky high.

"Miranda, do not let Shepard destroy the base!" Jade cocked her head towards Miranda a frown on her features when the Illusive Man turned to Miranda. Her hand strayed to the pistol on her hip.

"You really should have let me put that chip in her head," Miranda commented offhandedly watching Jade. "What are you going to do anyway? Replace me next?" Jade relaxed and went back to work, working quickly.

"I gave you an order, Miranda!" The Illusive Man snarled at her.

Miranda shrugged, "I noticed. Consider this my resignation."

Jade snorted as the Illusive Man made one desperate last plea to her,

"Shepard, think about what's at stake. About everything Cerberus has done for you. You..." Miranda disconnected the call and handed Jade the charge.

"Thanks, he was giving me a headache" she muttered a smile on her features as she was finishing up.

"We've got company," Grunt pointed out causing Jade to draw her gun as she armed the charge giving them fifteen minutes, more than enough time to escape. She had also made sure that it would take a longer time to disarm her trap.

Jade turned and saw the giant Reaper and groaned, "Why don't things just stay dead," she said pulling out her Cain.

* * *

Jade groaned, everything hurt, and she briefly wondered if she had died again as she quickly assessed her surroundings. She was still in the base and she no longer had uses of her right arm when she had saved Grunt, catching him had wrenched her shoulder out of it's socket, and there had of course been some damage. The Medi-gels only stopped the pain it didn't make her gun arm fully functional. She glanced at her timer, seven minutes. The charge was still armed, all of which were good signs. She pushed the rubble off her and got up to help Grunt, rolling him over to wake him up and turning to locate Miranda.

Jade rushed to her side checking to make sure she had a pulse, it was there and it was still strong. She pulled the metal bar off her and knelt down beside her gently tapping her to wake her up. Jade's own heart started to beat again when Miranda's eyes fluttered open, there was a flash of recognition and she pushed herself to her feet.

"We need to move Shepard, now," she managed weakly. She had definitely broken some ribs, but they needed to get out of here.

"Do you copy? Commander? Come on Shepard, don't leave me hanging. Do you copy?" Joker was practically yelling into the comm.

Jade pulled away from Miranda, "I'm here, Joker. Did the Ground team make it?"

"All Survivors on board, we're just waiting for you." Jade turned around and pulled out her pistol with her bad arm and shooting at the seeker swarms.

"Everybody move," Jade shouted as she continued to shoot at the swarms knowing it wasn't doing anything. She turned on her heels after Miranda and Grunt had taken off and ran after them. Her muscles burned and her lungs cried for oxygen, as she and her small squad ran to the Normandy, Jade occasionally turning around and sending Collector's flying. She would sigh in relief when she saw the Normandy appear and watched as Miranda and Grunt managed to jump on board.

She was going to make it, Miranda thought looking at Jade who was still running and picking up speed. Miranda looked up as a metal beam slammed into the platform leaving a huge chasm for Jade to jump over to get to safety. Her heart stopped as did time as Jade leaped from the edge. Swinging her arms in a swimming motion to help her move through the air. She wasn't going to make it, there was no way any of them could have made that jump.

Jade slammed onto the edge of the Normandy airlock snapping her ribs in the process as she struggled to push herself up, Miranda grabbed her arm and tried to help Jade but she weighed a ton with all her armour and weapons. She felt Grunt reaching down beside to grab Jade and drag her up onto the Normandy. Jade turned at the Collectors who were still firing as the door slid closed and shot them her most arrogant smirk as she gave them a mock salute with her decent arm. "Joker get us out of here," she said with a grin on her features.

Jade headed out of the cargo bay, her arm in a sling courtesy of Dr. Chakwas, she had gone around the entire ship making sure everybody was okay. It was a good day, they had just returned from the Omega 4 Relay and were going to head to the Citadel to celebrate. The smug grin on her face was simply because she had told the Illusive Man where to shove it, and she had warned him of course. He had seen what she could do when she was pissed at someone; she had told him what would happen if he interrupted Miranda's sister. It was time to start preparing for the upcoming war, she had the proof, maybe now the Council would listen to her.

Jade pushed the button that would lead her back to the her cabin, smirking when she saw Miranda in her room sitting on her bed waiting for her, "How are your ribs?"She questioned as she pulled her arm out of her sling, flexing her fingers.

"Got them patched up, done your rounds?"

Jade nodded, "I'm sorry about the Illusive man," she began.

Miranda raised her hand , "Don't apologize if you don't mean it, it's beneath you. Besides I agree with you. That place needed to go; I see what he was like now. We're human. We survive. We're really good at that. Besides I was going to quit anyway after this mission, if you came back that is."

"I came back," Jade said with a smile as she headed to her bed.

"I would have been angry if you hadn't, I'm still slightly ticked that you played the damn hero and saved Grunt you ended up hurting yourself and nearly getting yourself killed."

Jade smiled, "I'm a soldier, I'm always nearly getting myself killed," Jade pointed out dryly nuzzling Miranda's neck.

Miranda couldn't help but smile, "Thank you," she said running her hands over Jade's arm. "For protecting my sister even though you didn't have too."

Jade nodded and flopped onto her bed dramatically, "It's the least I could do for rebuilding me and then saving me from myself," Jade replied opening her arms which Miranda crawled into. There was silence, as they just basked in each other's presence.

"You know," Miranda began breaking the silence, grinning at Jade. "You did promise me that I could d o anything I wanted to you," she pointed out.

Jade smirked, "And what do you have in mind?" Miranda leaned in whispering her plans into Jade's ears. Jade went scarlet in response. "Again Garrus thinks I'm perverted, geez, we should take notes from you," Jade joked her face still red.

Miranda laughed and Jade smiled in response, it was a musical sound which caused Jade's heart to skip a beat. Miranda curled next to Jade, "Don't worry I plan to give your new endurance a test run, I think you should be able to handle a week or so. "

Jade simply went red again, and there was silence as Miranda drifted off to sleep, the medication finally kicking in. Jade watched her sleeping, "I love you," she murmured to her. One day, maybe when the whole Reaper mess was over she would be able to tell it to Miranda's face. She stared at her fish tank watching the fish swim.

She was many things, Hero of Elysium, Butcher of Torfan, Saviour of the Citadel, slayer of Collectors. She fought with gods and demons, people thought of her as a god, they worshiped her. They adored her for what she could accomplish; they looked at her as some sort of hero. But she was like Samara; she would kill them all in an instant if she had to. She wouldn't remember them or their faces; she was just as ruthless as the Illusive Man had said. She had no idea if she could actually feel love properly; all she knew was that she needed Miranda.

But even she knew that she was dangerous and death followed her around like the plague, she may have managed to dodge him this time, but he would be back. People had the nasty habit of dying around her, no matter where she went someone died, whether it be by her hand or someone else's. Maybe just this once she could be happy, that's all she wanted. Even if she was simply content that would be better than always being alone, because everyone around you turned to dust or left because they could no longer bear the horrors of her world.

Jade turned to Miranda and gently kissed her cheek. Maybe she could be happy at least for a little while.

**

* * *

"Heroes** know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen. A quest may not simply be abandoned; unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever; a happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story."

-Peter S. Beale.


End file.
